when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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