who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
