I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
