He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I party with great urgency now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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