saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just pee around me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
