I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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