kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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