I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
