Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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