I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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