How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
