i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
