Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
