I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
