so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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