Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
