sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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