She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
