My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
