So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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