there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
