i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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