I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
