just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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