I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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