2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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