First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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