Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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