I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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