I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
