I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
