Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
