im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
