yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
