Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
