Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
