i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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