hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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