dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
