apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just invented taco cereal.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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