The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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