The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
