a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
