____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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