I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
