My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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