I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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