look no pants
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
