The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
