my room smells like sperm. sweet.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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