Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
